nothings happening

so I thought Id treat you to a look into the way I spend my day emailing


I fell asleep in a crumpled heap last night. I think I may have been a bit tired

how could you sleep when you didn;t know what had happened to norman you callous cunt


I knew Norman was at peace in the great gold fish bidet in the sky

you have no idea where norman was hes just missing presumed dead just when I think you are as big a bastard as possible you manage to astound me with a new level of cuntishness


Ok, maybe Norman went for a holiday and wasn't expecting me back so soon.But lets face the facts here. Norman doesnt know how to use the phone so how could he have called a cab to take him anywhere ?



how do you know he didn't go on a cycling tour ?


Of course. How retarded of me not to think of that


you are a man don't blame yourself you can't help it


I'm going shopping

Are you gay?

I've just bought 2 beds and a wardrobe so if that makes gay, then yes, I am

Duke Special - Last Night I Nearly Died (Animated Video)

I'm reading a book at the moment called A Brief History of the Dead by Kevin Brockmeier.its not particularly brilliant but I find the basic premise fascinating. When people die they don't go straight into the afterlife but they live in another world very similar to this one and remain there for as long as they are alive in the memory of someone still living who knew them . I was thinking that would be cool then it occurred to me that my memory would keep alive people i disliked as much as it would people I loved which is slightly less cool , it got even less cool when I realised the people I disliked would probably outnumber the people that I liked and the limbo world would probably be a kind of hell for the people I love because they would be outnumbered 100-1 by people I can't stand, so my friends would be sitting around in limbo hoping I'd die the bastards. I really hope it doesn;t happen this way but if it does I apologise in advance if you are sat next to Gordon Brown ( texture like sun ) for thirty years waiting for me to pop my cloggs

last night i was talking to the guy who lives in spain and wants me to go on holiday there.Anyway he was in a hotel room in Paris waiting to go to Texas and had nothing but a bottle of Gran Marnier for company and me in emails and I was at home with a bottle of Creme de cassis and and him for company in emails . Creme de cassis is very much like ribena only you get totally rat arsed really fast cos it's 20% proof I had a litre of that and a litre of lemonade well I had it for about 90 minutes then I had two empty bottles . I read a quiz on pal talk but I dont remember much about thatand by the time I went to bed at 3am I was starting to get a hangover and I have had one all day I cant even be arsed to iron. Paul disappeared at about 12 I'm not sure if he died or if he fell asleep or whether he managed to get up to catch his plane but I hope he felt as shit as I did all day.I'd also like to say I have decided to go to spain but Paul's not a shag hes a mate, I could never shag someone who thinks it's funny to keep goldfish in a bidet

Kirsty MacColl - Don't Come the Cowboy With Me, Sonny Jim

Its been a funny old week,and the pressing question is do I take up someones offer to go to spain for a holiday, they will stand the flight and the cost of my new passport and supply the gin at the pother end all I have to do is continue to make them laugh.It's someone Ive met before and we get on like a house on fire in a totally non shagging kind of way, apart from anything else there are the logistical problems of what to do with the kids and when I can go since he works away and flits about the world.I do know if I dont get away for some quality unstreessed time Im likely to rip soemones head off for stopping without any warning in the aisle of Lidls

Out of the Blue

I was felling mega pissed off today when my Mobile rang I looked and it was my brother Guy who rings very occaisionally to check I am still alive . Anyway he rang to say he had a spare ticket to go and see Bruce Springsteen at the Emirate Stadium on 30th of may. Not only that hes sorting my transport and everything bless his little cotton socks

sunday Fucking sunday

Its sunday Im bored its also hot I fucking hate being hot all in all I am just one happy bundle of joy today

and I was all yellow tooooooooo

A what a wonderful bank holiday weekend . Johnson and Johnson holiday skin , " takes three days to build up a realistic glowing holiday tan ", my fucking arse one application and it looked like my liver was on it's last legs, gurkas were asking me what part of nepal I came from and I couldnt leave the house and streaky? Ive seen less streaks at a world snooker final.Top top off a truly marvellous weekend sam and tom were crawling with headliceand I spent several hours defleaing them oh life its just so fucking brilliant

you may have noticed

that there was a lack of I hate fucking sunday posts yesterday.This wasn't cos I wasn't bored shitless all day it was merely cos today is a bank holiday monday which is like two sundays on the trot so I FUCKING HATE BANK HOLIDAY WEEKENDS

My latest crush

I appear to have transfered my affections from Pete Doherty to Ronnie Osullivan, hey Ho

http://tinyurl.com/5vuewx click here to find your sexual passport I appear to be congalese