I cant

be arsed anymore if you want me Im on facebook under my weaslemum addy

today i went to see

the start of the tour of britain cycle race which left from my town at 10.15 this morning.I videoed it on my phone not very well but here it is anyway see if you can spot the cyclist who was obviously in the loo when they starting hooter went off.The kids have settled back into school well toms made friends and after a shakey start now loves his new school and sam is as ever sam

RIP

MAVIS P BUNNY RABBIT :(

I had

a really nice bank holiday weekend jack came home on friday then went out fifteen minutes later.IUhad a womble round town on saturday then on sunday my friend cathy came over and we went to watch the rats frolic at teesside park which was packed with people buying all the stuff for the kids going back to school this week.Yesterday my kids came back from their dads having been there since july 29th , they have learned to appreciate me :D .I am however already sick of the sound of the rock band drums .but tom startsschool tomorrow and sam goes back next monday. Jack had to be back on parade at 10.30 this morning he wandered into my house at 7.45 this morning saying someone was giving him a lift the distance between here and his RAF station is nearly 200 miles I was stressing out he said its ok Ive got a lift from the station at 8 .I knew he was going to be late.I got a text at 9.49 saying Im in work mapquest reckons it should take 2hours 49 minutes I dont even want to think about the near misses they have probably had or the accidents they have left in their wake.The lad who gives him a lift comes from Boro and probably grew up stealing cars anyway

yesterday I

got a pair of boots for 50p and a top for 99p see fat woman holding boots in the air for further reference i also shaved the dog badly and agreed to play netball with ron

news roundup

My two youngest kids have been away since july 29th and will be back on sept 1st My house has remained clean and theres been no piss on the toilet seat no fighting and Ive not been woken up by the sound of Rock band drums . Im ebnjoying the quiet to be honest.I went to Richmond Live with my friend Cathy where we saw John ottway and wild willie brret who were crap and Bad Manners who were absolutely brilliant and Buster Bloodvessel hasnt changed at all in 20 years. Ive had a hair cut and an eyebrow wax as people who have me friended on facebook will know. Friday this week I met my borthe Paul and his friend Nichola in York and had a really nice day got soem bargains in Monsoon and paul bought me an eton mess in Little Bettys down Stonegate .yesterday I went to Boro and got 173 quids worth of clothes for 34 quid four pairs of trousers and top which was good see picture of fat woman in satin for further refernce.John finally got a job and started last monday so I wont be trying to run a house on 64.20 a week after next week which will be a blessed relief.On the very Down side my Lovely nephew Harry is in Hospital as they found on monday he has a brain tumour , so fingers crossed and good thoughts that it will be benign and operable and he will be back to normal in no time at all.Jack came home on onday this week to break my calm but since hes withewr out or asleep its not really a problem although i came in yesterday to find him washing one tee shirt on a full cycle in the washing machine and being inordinately proud that he was doing his own washing lol

tonight

I ciot thew kids hair with the dogs clippers cos they had nits again rhis is the result lol

this is

my blog and I write what io want on it , I also write what i want on my face book if you dislike either dont fucking read it

I was just cooking tea for us

and I sent out sam to look for Tom who is out playing somewhere and he came back in with Jack which was a little confusing.hes been doing an airshow and has a weeks leave and thought hed come home and surprise me.he was saying his kit is wet cos they've been sleeping in tents so I said well don't leave it in your bag it will go mouldy and stink and he looked down at me and said " I don my own Admin now mother, I'm a grown up "

yesterday

was toms last day at Junior school and they had his leavers assembly, everyone kept coming up to me and telling me what a lovely child he is .he got his school report which was more or less perfect I am beginning to feel uneasy as he is obviously either a midwitch cuckoo or a stepford child.Sams report seems to have not made it home at all but Im betting the words pleasure to teach a joy to have in the class and good don't appear on it anywhere lol.Jack is foing the Fairford International air tattoo this weekend so he'll be stood in the pissing rain telling people where to park. the school holiday this time seem to be 7 weeks which is 8 weeks to bloody long in my opinion

Im rading abook called

A fanny full of soap by nichola mcauliff and thoroughly recommend it , I got it from the library because of the title and its bloody hilarious

could

someone tell me what the point to it all is cos from where I am sitting there doesn't seem to be one

hnads up

everyone who thinks this blog is a true representation my life

when i win the lottery

I'm buying myself out of my family

here discuss these while Im having a crisis

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

Life

is a little bit shite at the moment and I dont want t to do a misery blog so you will jut have to wait

why

is it that you can shag a fair few blokes and they all do basically the same thing yet one of them moistens your gusset in a way that none of the others does?

Sam and I went for a walk

and came across this sign it seemed so apt to put sam behind it

forgive me spidey for I have sinned

it has been 7 days since my last blog.This is partly to do with my hands which are particularly bad with eczema and partly to do with the fact that nothing has really happened. I have been in a foul mood for months now ,really since I was given notice on the house in catterick, nothing at all seems to have gone right since then and there are things that happened that have changed my whole outlook on life and the people in it nothing is ever what you assume it is . I have learned though that I have a couple of truly great friends and I do appreciate them and their gin and listening abilities.Id not swap them for all the money in the world and they will forever be on my emotional payroll should they need it and i'll lie for them in court too if needs be.I have docs appointment tomorrow about my eczema since I cant bend the fingers on my right hand without large splits opening up, this was particularly unfortunate as I had a house inspection yesterday so had to have my hands in water for a while which makes it much worse ( I cant do housework in gloves the sweat has the same effect anyway and I am clumsier in gloves).I hate going to the doctors so it will be really bad by tomorrow aren;t you glad I blogged now little bundle of joy that i am

yesterday

was really exciting i got fitted down the FPC with a coil and Im happy to say I have no sexually transmitted diseases which is always a good thing to know.they made me feel really good by saying Oh we wont bother taking it out cos you'll be well past needing it in ten years when its due to change.... bastards . then i went for luncheon with Thuthan and ronald and Shane, Lunch was piss poor to be honest but it was the only place I could think of in town with a beer garden which was nice it gave us something to watch while susan did her impression of Tammys in looooooove. another ten minutes id have needed a sick bucket with overflowAfter a few hot days the weather had reverted to normal thank go I loath and detest being hot its not even because im fat I hated it even when I was young and thin must be my viking genes.I went to Teesside park on the bus the other day I wnt be doing that again for a while nothing interesting happened at all.Anyway that was my last couple of days try not to die of the excitement

the dsun has got his hat on

but he can fuck right off cos I hate being hot.thank god for cold bottles of lager and large glasses of g&t and thank god for the first time in two years I have fridge in the summer and the milk doesn't go off in half an hour.Sam and Tom went to their dads for the first time in 7 weeks this week as it's half term and I was looking forward to some time where I didn't have to cook and once id cleaned it was done. then jack decided to come home so that went out the window.I hate cooking its not that I cant do it mostly its just thinking what to cook that I can afford and I particularly hate it in summer as the stuff that I like cooking is too wintery and summer food is shit.
My beloved son bought me a new phone yesterday , ive never had an expensive Mobile before so its quite exciting its only a blackberry pearl but I am proud to say i set it up myself with no help from anyone under the age of 20 and only had to google 378 times and watch 93 tutorial videos on youtube before I sent my first message, who knows tomorrow I may even find the camera on it.It came with a years free internet and web browsing so now when im on the bus the hours will fly by as if Ive never left home.Speaking of the bus guess where i went today? yes Middlesbrough and guess what it was all going swimmingly I trawled the shops looking for something summery that cost under a fiver and found nothing but I was having fun i'm one of those people who likes shopping even if I buy nowt.Anyway I got on the bus and the top deck was empty apart from me a soldier and two people sitting right at the front in the scary, a trees going to hit you seats.The we got to Stockton high street where a drunken ugly person who smelled like baldrick looks got on the bus. he sat in front of me and then after two minutes started trying to talk to me , i did the only sensible thing and turned my ipod louder and started to play with my phone.However he was persistant and must have said soemthing rude cos a soldier who was sat three seats behind me suddenly started shouting at him and they had a slanging match over the top of my head while I studiously looked at my phone and turned my ipod up a little louder.when the drunk got off at Greggs on the durham road the whole top deck just burst out laughing and started breathing through their noses again. and that gentle reader was my day

Paolo Nutini - Candy ( Official Video )

I have been

trying to post paolo nutinis new single cos I like it but it wont appear must be blocked anyway thats by the by.I was looking at urban dictionary and the word today was missing link and the definition was man so hairy that he cant take his top off because people think he's the missing link. Am I alone in liking hairy men and thinking unhairy ones are slightly effeminate and ewwwwww. i like men who look like men I don't like men who want to feel my pain i want men who track down the source of it and beat it to death with a club or their bare fists. I like men with tattoos and faces that look as though they have been in a boxing ring. When did the definition of an attractive man become the real life version of japanese Animi and why?

things I hate

1 going to the bathroom knowing that one of the kids wont have flushed and there will be piss all over the seat

2.the downstairs loo door is never fucking shut

3. No one can listen to anything in this house at normal volume it always has to be loud and people shout to be heard over it

4. People shout as if the Tv/stereo/radio is on even when it's not because they are so used to doing it

5. My kids are incapable of being in the house together for more than half an hour without world war 3 breaking out

6 the neighbourhood kids cant just knock on the door and wait they knock non stop thus making the dog bark and driving me nuts

7the walls are always filthy cos they think washing hands is an optional extra

8. every pair of boxer shorts i washed today was ripped because they think wedgies are hilarious


9I cant go on I am going to run away from home instead

Today I went to middlesbrough

and absolutely nothing untoward happened at all

I dont know why i try to leave home

I went to Middlesbrough today ,just to get out the house before I went mad.I decided to venture to Boro despite nearly getting arrested last time i went.I wandered round the shops just looking cos i have no money and ended up in BHS I dont know why cos I hate BHS and have no interest in anything they sell,so remembering this i left ,as i wandered down the high street I heard cries of STOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPP and Excuse me and OY YOU so obviously I turned round to see who all the fuss was about and who was being naughty.At this point the store detective walked up to me and removed the Bra that had attached itself to my coat and was dangling suggestively at knee level ( a coincidence since that's where my tits tend to be these days too)smiling sweetly she said im sure you didn;t mean to do this did youmost people are more subtle, grinned and walked back .At this point i decided it was probably best to go home and not leave for another fortnight

I just

went to an allstars v darlington football match but I have no idea who was playing cos i didn't take my glasses but Im damned sure the 6 foot something bald god of love wearing the peter beardsley shirt wasn't peter beardsley.Paul gascgoine is looking very very fit and healthy which was nice to see though.Alan Milburn who is our local MP kicked off and got a bigger Boo than the ref which was also nice to see :D

Mummy's little Psycho

Bless him

Lily Allen - Not Fair (HD)

I know its lily allen but it does make me laugh a lot

cleanliness is next to Godliness

jack has been home on leave over easter which is nice.Last night though he decided that sam was a grubby little oik who doesn't wash properly,Sam's 12 and its a given that he doesn't wash properly another year and i wont be able to get him out the shower.anyway jack told sam in no uncertain terms that he was minging and needed a bath sam said No so jack ran a bath and unceremoniously dumped sam in it and then threw a bar of saop in and said WASh , then every two minutes sam got out and Jack said not clean get back in interspersed with I can't hear you washing. The upshot is sam is now clean but horribly traumatised , i would have helped but I was too busy laughing

My kids

have been home for the holidays they went to their dads for 4 days ( well 3 really) throughout this entire holiday they have done nothing but fight , constantly.It is driving me to despairI feel like a bloody referee at a boxing match.the area I live in now s not overly salubrious and they go to school about 14 miles away so dont have many friends round here and all the friends they do have are called things like keanu and Kylie which I think tells you all you need to know ;)John got laid off three weeks ago so this week is his last week at work so i can kiss my aintenence goodbye as usual my life is careering off the edge of a cliff at breakneck speed hey ho

yesterday

I went to middlesbrough to look at lawnmowers . while waiting for the bus a police van screeched to a halt and two policemen got out and came into the bus station , everyone stared ,Unfortunately they made a bee line for me and asked me who i was etc etc , they then apologised said i obviously wasn;t the person they were looking for and left.Unfortunately they forgot to scream to the rest of the bus station that i wasn't the person they were were looking for s I sat in the bus station tryingto make myself as small as possible while everyone stared and wondered if i had a bomb in my handbag i didn;t I had foam shrimps and bananas and flying saucers from the health food shop , since when did they constitute health food?

I should blog

but to be honest not much is happening and what is isn't that great Im tired of lurching from one almighty fuck up to the next.The weather is sunny but cold,I need to find someone with a decent lawnmower my grass is like a jungle my neighbour is the kind of person who will run a ruler down to make sure he doesn't accidentally waste his time mowing a blade of yours. I take parcels in for them when they are out and they knock on the door just say parcel and then take it and go , no word of thanks , I do it as a favour to our postman who is incredibly nice.I have the kids for most of the holidays but ehy have finally made some friends locally so they are either out playing or burgling houses so, I dont really care as long as they aren't killing each other loudly in the house.Ive been looking for a job but the recession has bitten hard in the northeast and jobs that i am able to do are few and far between and seem to go before they are even advertised , even the call centres are laying people off rather than taking on. I am still dog tired all the time which isn't helping matters. now you know why ive not blogged for a while Itswhine whine whine from me at the moment

ive picked up a virus

on my body not my computer and seem to be asleep most of the time when the bells that are ringing in my ears allow me to its like being quasimodos lodger at the moment.It started at the weekend and I spent most of tuesday asleep except to go to Toms parents evening where I discovered at least one of my children is perfect.

jacks parade passing in the manner of the ladies of the court of king caractacus

this is my son marching try not to die of excitement My ex father in law took tons of pictures and sent them today I may even put a picture of my ex husband up so you can marvel at how young I look :D

happy anniversary

today is the 2nd anniversary of my leg coming out of plaster I was going to repost the pic but then I thought no I dont hate any of you that much :D

me and my carbon footprint

socky says:
lol global warming mug
socky says:
the more hot water you add the more the map of the world on the outside of the mug gets sumberged under water
Alex says:
hahahaah
socky says:
im going to buy you an eco button
Alex says:
whats that?
Alex says:
bloody just put in a link aaron
socky says:
when you leave your pc it makes it draw aslittle power as possible
socky says:
http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/gorgeous-gifts/gifts-for-him/eco-button/index.html eco button
socky says:
and it shows u how much money u saved
Alex says:
you are bloody obsessed with my pc being on all the time
socky says:
ur ruining planet earth
Alex says:
I dont drive I dont smoke I buy fresh fruit and veg from the market and meat from the butchers thus negating the need for landfill
Alex says:
I have my heating on at 14C and my washing machine on at 40
Alex says:
if i want to leave my fucking computer on all the time I have more than compensated for that carbon toe print
socky says:
leaving the comp on well outdoes all the other stuff

Today

I watched my Sons passing out parade from his RAF training , it was very good although the weather was a bit hit and miss and it rained on and off .The people sat behind me couldn't work out which their son was and ended up taking several photos of a total stranger before they finally spotted him in the last march past.I was with jacks dad and his grandad and had a good laugh.Jack looked very smart and very adult he also made me look like a midget a very small fat midget .It was bloody freezing too which is why I appear to have no neck lol

MY NAME IS MAVIS

and I am addicted to mafia wars:o . I have been playing it solidy for 3 days now but today i am going away overnight and I fear I will be mugged and all my money will be taken and my stores damaged and my hotel trashed I probably wont sleep tonight in my 16th century coaching inn bed for worry

the fox and the utility dog

Every morning at 8.30 I take the dog for a walk either through the nature reserve or over the fields behind it .Its really wet at the moment and the mud is thicker than a custard tart but the dog can run and he needs to or he's bouncing off the walls the rest of the day.Anyway Friday we were walking across the fields and suddenly basil starts doing his Pluto bit down on his front paws tail in the air wagging.Oh shit I thought another dog owner I haven't seen ,bas is quite big and a lot of owners take umbrage at him running up to play and act like hes a rottweiller.So I started to walk back to where he was only to find it wasn't a dog at all it was a largish Fox the fox is sniffing basil basil is sniffing the fox no fangs are bared and bas is still wagging his tail ,they stood nose to nose for about 30 seconds then I called basil thinking god he'll probably get mange now and Basil actually turned round and came back, we carried on walking and the fox watched us go for a while then turned round and went back under the tree from which it had appeared.All most strange

On being funny

when people are asked to say something about me they always say oh shes really funny or something along those lines.I always think of it as the equivalent of shes dog ugly but she has a nice personality.If i could exchange being funny for being pretty being successful being rich being anything really i would. Funny gets you into trouble people take what you say seriously, people dont get you and you end up stood alone in the school playground while the other mothers discuss jade goody and posh spice and you dont really care cos its your idea of hell but you'd quite like them to let you in even though you know you would take the piss and be excommunicated again.men dont like funny women its not a feminine trait it's a male one, my still not quite an ex husband hated my sense of humour and I think he took me out maybe 5 times in 12 years and always said id embarrassed him with my sense of humour.It must be great to go through life not seeing the funny side of things or having your brain always looking for the joke angle or the punnext time Iround I want to be beautiful and have no sense of humour

For lent

despite being non religious to the point of not even caring enough to bother being an atheist I have decided for lent to give up being mean. recently I have cooked my own goose several times although some serious grovelling seems to have rectified that and my goose is now a light beige colour again. so I am going around being a little ray of sunshine and scaring the shite out of everyone.Ive been in this house 4 months next week and its finally beginning to feel like home. I was amused today to realise I really do live on the chatsworth estate when I saw some graffiti saying Armani Nichols loves keanu macalisterit made me so proud to be darlo . Kirsties coming up next week which will be nice and ronald will probably pop over and we will forcehim to take us out for tapas and beer and Kirstie wants a parmo .anyway thats all in my life

Pet Shop Boys - Love Etc. (HD)

Hello my name is Mavis and I have a confession to make I love the pet shop boys I have them on my iPod I h=own their Cds and when i am pissed off I play you only tell me you love me when you're drunk really loudly and sing along.I think i must have a thing for camp geordies cos id so do neil tennant if he didn't bat for the other team.oo much of anything
Is never enough
Too much of everything
Is never enough
Boy it’s tough getting on in the world
When the sun doesn’t shine and a boy needs a girl
It’s about getting out of a rut, you need luck
But you’re stuck and you don’t know how, oh
(Don’t have to be) A big bucks Hollywood star
(Don’t have to drive) A super car to get far
(Don’t have to wear) A smile much colder than ice
(Don’t have to be) Beautiful but it’s nice
You need more
Than the Gerhard Richter hangin’ on your wall
A chauffeur-driven limousine on call
To drive your wife and lover to a white tie ball
You need more You need more You need more
You need more You need more You need more
You need love
I believe that we can achieve
The love that we need
I believe, call me naïve
Love is for free
(Don’t have to be) A big bucks Hollywood star
(Don’t have to drive) A super car to get far
(Don’t have to live) A life of power and wealth
(Don’t have to be) Beautiful but it helps
Beautiful but it helps
Beautiful but it helps

Beyonce - Single Ladies (SNL Parody) Full

Im loving this

I blogged

a youtube video and soem other stuff but its no made it over . so Im not blogging again unless the toilet comment person admits their Identity , I am a little concerned it may be my mother although to be fair i don't think my mother would say shite

yesterday I went on a year six school trip to the Sage GatesheadIm not really into music in a concert hall sort of way and Im not a great one from joining in fortunately they were one drum short in the drumming class so i got out of that and when the kids were learning the South african Gum Boot dance I managed to be supervising the toilet run>this is a photo taken from the inside looking out at the tyne which was infinitely more interesting.I will say that of all the trips I have been on the kids were the best behaved I have seen them which made a refreshing change and no One puked up on the bus .As usually i was underwhelmed as sacksfull of valentines failed to materialise on my doorstep once morealthough something mildly amusing appeard in my msn box for about ten minutes

The Smiths - Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want

well my mother has gone , it could have been worse,it could have been a week I got some new bedding as I now have a king size quilt on my king size bed which is nice  I went to bed this afternoon which  was nice and decadent until the doorbell rang    but at least it wasn't   the Jehovas witnesses just a travelling salesman still any port in a storm. I went to darlo Boro and stockton with my mother, its not unlike London Paris and New york  if london paris and new york were  full of pound shops and  chavs Oh hang on London is.

My mother is staying

feel free to leave your condolences here

a parmo adventure

as promised thanks go to ron for sending me this informative and exciting youtube video ;) I just finished reading a book called In the park up a tree with a hedgehog in the dark , the title is the most interesting thing about it

Darlington

this is the town where I now live I thought you would all be thrilled to see it I think this video must have been taken before the water feature.

my shower and other animals

this is the delightful poodle shaped salt and pepper pot that ronald bought for me for my birthday aren't they ............... Lovely. Carol had to get back to reece so we spent a pleasant couple of hours ripping the piss out of everyone we know and back stabbing then we took her back to Peterlee ( new town slogan the only missing is sand ) we were going to go out but it was fucking cold and the people at the BP cashpoint were scary so we ran home and got a chinese takeaway which I must say was really delicious then watched Match of the day , never let it be said I do't know how to have a good time , then went to bed , but all in all it was rather a nice birthday:)
This is the shower that doesn't drain properly it drains if you hold the shower over it and have very hot water running for a minute but caustic soda etc makes no difference I shall be getting the bastard plumber back to sort it hes a lazy cunt does half a job then fucks off .

as you can see

the title has changed Im off on the town tonight with ron and carol I think we are Rons help the aged project lol peole will think hes taking his aging aunts out from the hiome for the evening

I was grumpy this morning

 It was one of those days  where it never really gets light just stays all day in the twilight zone then gets dark again  I must say the nights are drawing out though  now  the kids have actually seen the house on a weekday in the daylight . My shower has been fixed but it still doesn't drain properly, for the first few minutes it's a bit like the foot bath that they make you walk through to stop you getting  other peoples verrucas at the public  swimming baths ( speaking of verucas didn't she do well winning CBB  bet john lesley had her on redial voting for her  to stay in ;) ) Anyway  it was suggested  today by someone that  I  put caustic soda  down it,  who knew  that caustic soda was such an exciting topic of conversation I'll be reliving that one over again in the boring  minutes of the next few weeks you can bet on it .Anyway I perked up about lunchtime when I realised that beige really does go well on magnolia

In answer to your polite enquirey

This is a parmo , according to my son the food of the gods only really  available in the Tees valley probably the greasiest food ever invented but sometimes  its just what you need floating on top of ten pints of  really cheap  beer from wetherspoons.

They are what jack misses most about  being  out of the area . So repulsive are parmos that they are only really available in  very small area http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parmo the paramo I have to admit I quite like them . Ron on the other hand thinks they are typical smoggy fodder.The parmo is to the real italian Parmagiana what turkey twizzlers are to roast peacock.My local takeway does a meal deal where you can have a 12inch  pizza of your choice donner kebaby meat two side salads two  lotschips a bottle of pop and  full parmo for 11 quid. I believe if you don't have the parmo its 14 quid. So beloved of the locals the parmo actually has its own facebook appreciation society , for various reasons I  am not a memenber . mostly cos I think facebook is a pile of  shite facebook parmo

this was him in 2001

when he was 10 and about a foot shorter

For janet

beige is the new black ;)

Mummies ickle soldier

This is my first born after 2 weeks in the RAF which he is loving

Billy Connolly - Beige People

ha

Someone told me I had to do something interesting today so just to spite them I haven't

hell in a handbasket

Well canny little Bertrand unemployment is  running at nearly 2 million and expected to peak  at 3 million. the weather is shit , the PM sold out gold reserves when gold was at an all time low,  but worse  much much worse than this last night my Microwave started to smoke and is now out in the garden deader than a very dead thing in a dead thing  in a dead thing competition at the local taxidermists so no more meals that go Ping for me. I put the microwave out in the garden because obviously under the socialist republic of mediocre britian it's not allowed to smoke indoors .That bloke who killed the friend of a friend of mine got his sentence doubled to three years which  to me seems like nothing  but at least he wont be out of prison in t 8 weeks which was looking likely before the court of appeal resentenced him.

My neighbours have 4 dogs including one husky puppy  they leave them in a run and kennel in the garden from 7.15 am to 6 pm every working day the husky puppy howls from 7.15 am to 6 pm everyday . dog lover that i am , I am getting very close to slapping it round the head with a large peice of 2 e 4.I am thinking of getting my eyebrows twinned with dennis healy   I am suspecting irish wolfhound in my pedigreree judging by the amount of facial hair I sprout these days. 

and that ladies gentlemen and TROLL is todays news

sunday

Well yesterday i went to Ikea and bought a wardrobe and another chest of drawers and bribed Ron with  tales of Parmos and other delicious Teesside delicacies  and he very kindly came round and put them together , he didn;t make any mistakes at all and it was all done in five minutes ( and I am typing this with my nose) I ordered him a parmo and he was very  rude about it  and even had the nerve to say  its no wonder you can only get them in  this part of the country cos they dont; even travel from the take away to the house let alone out of the  area. I changed my  front room round today i am sick of sitting under the stairs so my comp is now by the french windows and  the  TV is back were it was when I first moved in which is actually good as I get more  Freeview channels  when its on a shorter  Coaxial cable.I shall see how it goes anyway No doubt in another few weeks I'll be bunging it back  again /Its really windy today but its  also sunny so my washing is on the line Im not sure how long it will stay there before its all over the neighbourhood but  you cant pass up a good drying day , I like the feel and smell of stuff thats been line dried I also like not having fucking huge electricity bills

Kevin Bloody Wilson - You Can't Say C**t In Canada (Live)

My mums just lectured me for saying bloody three times on the phone ..if only she knew

Weird

I went and got my hair cut today because it has been driving me mad and while I was sitting there I watched my face morph into various members of my family. I could see my mother and my brother peter then two of my own children then my cousin Joanne then back to my mother it was like a weird version of the Godley and Creme video for Cry. My hair is dead straight and no matter how I have it cut it looks the same I look at my photos now and I cant get over how old I look. its a bit like being fat having been very thin I look at spaces that my whiskers should tell me I ahve no hope of getting through but somewhere in my brain theres a spot that says you can make it , needless to say I can't.My internet connection is still totally shite but fortunately Bt are now able to connect me so I am hoping that 3 will let me out of my contract on the grounds that I cant stay connected and speeds are dire or at least drop me down from the 15gb to 1gb cos I cant use 15gbs in a month I took me 6 days to download one album.yesterday I had a bout of labrynthistis and I bless the doctor who over prescribed the tablets I need on the grounds that I would have them at home when it reoccured theres not a lot of joy in waking up and thinking you ahve to cling onto the bed or you might fall off.Its dark today almost like twilight I was going to get my eyebrows waxed but after trying 4 different places I gave up there appears to be a black hole into which all Darlingtons beuticians have vanished none had turned up for work very strange I shall have to carry on looking like dennis healy until I get back. Tomorrow My shower is finally being fixed there are epople who are excited about this I am not one of them id rather have a bath

well

Turned out that the condensation was the leak that I always thought it was ,got up on friday and the lounge carpet was soaking wet in the dining room bit. Called Barratts who called the contract plumbers who sent a different set of plumbers round and after actually listening to what I was saying instead of patting me on the head they cut the back out the cabinet found the leak and fixed it. Im getting a new sink unit in the not too distant future as the back is all warped and rotted and the wall behind it needs replastering it smells a bit mank but its drying out now so thats better. Took the kids to Boro yesterday to spend their xmas money so spent the entire day in games shops and sports shops what a thrill that was .I have been having real trouble with my broadband this week and it packed up totally yesterday so i rang Mumbai help desk( always a last resort) First time I rang I got nowhere and the guy just kept telling me to try it on another Pc and I kept saying but I haven;t got another PC and he kept saying yes I know but try it on another pc haven;t you got any friends , to which I replied actually no none that are willing to allow me to attach faulty hardwear to their beloved comps and possibly stuff them up so he said well try it on another pc and ring back.
I rang back about half an hour later and got a different chap who saiid , Ah yes the networks been playing up in your area and lots of peoples settings files are currupted now hang on let me give you a new setting. ten minutes later I was ok on everything but mercurty messenger which has been dropping out every three minutes for days now . I was talking to ronald about this last night and he said try downloading a differewnt version, so I downloadeded another mac MSN clone called aMSN and fuck me rigid not only is it not droppign out its much much better than mercurty anyway .So all in all its not been a bad weekendSundays in darlo re less soul destroying than in Catterick as there is more to do and you don;t need to spend an hour on the bus to do it .

see elephant in an OOD mask , doesn't everyone have one?

As you can see

basil is still the worlds most stressed dog, barely ever relaxing always ready to pounce .Last night I came back from the shop to find him asleep in the middle of the front room floor I stepped over him three times while looking for a camera and he just lay there the flash from the camera finally disturbed him enough that he rolled onto his side before going back to his Bikini Red state of alert.
I wioke up yesterday to find the kitchen swimming in water so i turned off the stop cock contacted the agents and waited.A plumber arrived at half past three took the base off the cabinets and said its not a leak love its condensation there was about an inch of water under there and it has damaged the back of the cabinets and started to eat into the cement who knew pipes could do that( everyone except me apparently) they are coming round to do soemthing to it a week on friday meanwhile the baseboards are drying in the downstairs looo and all basils toys are no under thew cabinets where no one can get them.Jacks first day in the RAF went well I asked what they did and he said We were allowed to go to the Pub tonight but we can only have 2 pints.When pushed further he said we are having ironing lessons tomorrow and I have to pay £7 a day tax cos Im on an emergency tax code I asked about his sleeping accomdation he said it was ok but he was too big for the bed.It's like when he was at infant school all over again and I would ask what did you do at school today and he'd say Nothing.

the elusive rodentsandycomingoutofherhouse

this is the lovely Sandy coming out of her house

Hooray

I have removed all traces of Christmas from the house and feel much more cheerful I fucking hate christmas.The Kids come back today I have missed them this will last about ten minutes until the first fight breaks out and I am screaming at them. Tomorrow I am taking them to get their xmas presents Tom wants a Hamster ( sigh) and sam wants clothes the age of xmas magic has gone for both of them.

I have spent the last day cleaning the house . Im mega pissed off that the chest of drawers I bought from ebay was a dud and one of the drawers fell to bits last night while I was putting the ironing away.Hopefully someone will able to fix it.

Tomorrow I am going to Teesside park with the kids and Ron, Teesside park is a shopping centre thing and is impossible to get to without a car , there are rumours of there being a bus from Thornaby but no one has ever been able to tell me what number and where to catch is so it remains a rumour.
This year I shall be 44 if I live to be 88 I will be middle aged
I have now been out and purchased a hamster and a cage the cage has taken me the best part of twofucking hours to build and was like the krypton factor I bet she escapes from it tonight ,she has settled in and is currently sleeping. her name is Sandy and she is a syrian hamster I expect she will turn into a suicide bomber at some point

Happy New year

Today is the second anniversary of me breaking my ankle and my husband fucking off