I'm 43 you know .

somone once said to me

That Divorce is like a death but the corpse keeps coming back to visit the kids, how right they were.I have been remiss in my blogging according to jessica football talk does not count as blogging so now I have to ramble on for half an hour about bugger all just for her entertainment. She sent me this picture today saying no matter how shit life is thank god you aren't a naked mole rate looking like a cock with buck teeth. I have to admit its the funniest thing shes sent me , but I suspect she didn't make it up herself.Rumour has it we are getting Garry Macallister which will be excellent( sorry jessy )

For Dennis Wise and a few other people

~I can think of as well, Cant see us getting into the play offs now let alone promoted the bastard . What is it about newcastle that they want to fucking surround themselves with Leeds people?Maybe Alan Shearer will be our compensation package. More Likeley the way leeds luck goes alan bloody bradley will be. GRRRRRRRRRR

specially for Miss Jackie clank napper

Bucket of SPUNK you CUNT :P

This last week

I have given up shagging and I am replacing it with Shameless I have watched the first three series and I have jut one more to go (( thank you thuthan for lending them ) I am passionately in love with Kevin and Marty and have a wild desire to shout Bucket of spunk at inappropriate times.......... not that theres really an appropriate time to shout Bucket of Spunk come to think of it.Jacks fgone down the farm and sam and tom continue to fight .I went to Darlo today and the water fature looked just the same I did notice a light feature near thomas cooks that I hadn't seen before if you are really good I might take a pic of it next time

Aircraft Marshalling 12 Sqn way

Makes you proud to be british and an RAF brat

BWO - Sunshine In The Rain

Since I did bugger all but watch Shameless yesterday you can suffer my current favourite song who does it sound like?

goodbye vera

Today I am feeling particularly Gifted
Last night saw th sad demise of Mrs Vera Duckworth , I wanted to be really sad but Jacks acting was so apallingly bad that I just drank a bottle of wine in 45 minutes emailed someone to tell them they were a complete cunt and passed out watching dorothy L sayers in bed before the little hand hit ten and the big hand hit 12.
For those of you who have children who are little bastards and dunk their phones in coke hoping to get a new one I have a tip . Run the phone under cold water for 45 minutes and leave it to dry on the radiator it will work perfectly and the said child will be heartbroken a double victory I think we can all agree.
I am seriously thinking of going back to my Maiden name when I get divorced I already have a different name from one of my kids anyway and I hate my last name it just reminds me of johns insane family and while my family is equally insane they are insane in my way.

bourgeois tagg - i don't mind at all

And I dont mind at all

This picture is for Ronald who when I said Darlinton was posh and now had a water feature suggested that an old Tramp pissing against a wall did not a water feature make .Well Yah Boo sucks mr Ronaldo this is the mighty water feature .
For years and years and years I had the snatch of a song going through my head , it came out at the same time as Mary's prayer and the only line I could remember was "Misery loves company but she can" the the rest was blank . On pop master on radio 2 just before xmas they played a snatch of the same song and all my frustration dropped away as they said it was I don't mind at all by Borgeouis Tagg.Ive now managed to down load it and have it on my iPod , whenever I hear it I am transported back to 1987/8 and hoovering the newsagents shop at the end of the day with Radio 1 playing in the background. I loved working in the newsagents I got on with the boss like a hosue on fire the customers were all regulars and you knew everything happening in the village.As usual as it nears my birthday I am reliving my life through music and will continue to do so for the next coupld of weeks
Oh and the other day when I was bord I came up with a superb idea of combining a tampon with a vibrator I shall market them as Vibratamp .......cumming on has never been so much fun

The Beatles - I need you

I just watched Help Ive not seen it for years and its really dire but I;d forgotten how good this song is. Been a bit stressful chez mavis this week but swanseas loss today was glee bringing may it be the start of the end and may we finish above them and Karl have to pay me billions of pounds

today

I woke up to find my broadband bt hib was fucked and note from jack saying I didn't do it, I went into darlo to get an ordinary bb modem and couldn't find one every thing's now wireless apparently. so I came home rang john he couldn't sort it so I rang the Bt helpline in India and they were fabulous they rang me back on my mobile and talked me through stuff for nearly two hours and it now works , I am however reverting to ethernet cos I found out it was actually a lot faster,but mum gave the lads her old laptop when they got a new one so hopefully they can make use of the wireless.This evening I have been doing the ironing and some washing its a wonder how I have coped with washing for the last 2odd years without the supervision of my son who while incapable of actually switching it on appears to know everything about it and insists on sharing his deep knowledge , still I am sure he'll enjoy doing his own for the next 60 years

It's cold this morning

I came down and Jack had turned the heating thermostat right down to 5c as i moved it it clicked and the heating came on at 7c so i am typing one handed while holding a quilt round me with the other one not my usual reason for one handed typing gentle readers as one of you is bound to point out.This weeks been a bit crap altogether but theres some goodish news. Jacks going to be employed one way or the other as he has two interviews this week for apprenticeships and if they don't pan out h';s going down to the farm to help there and get his arse kicked by someone for whom he has some respect. Theres crap all on telly at the moment but the lovely Thuthan has sent me the complete first 4 series of Shameless on dvd to watch so I shall be caught up in the goings on on the Chatsworth Estate for the next couple of weeks, it will be like listening to Jessica and Amanda I may even cut up some squares of newspaper while I watch it in their honour .

mavis sidebottom is unwell

well she was she;s a bit better this morning which is fucking typical cos she could have had a shag yesterday if she'd been well and now she can't have one for a fortnight. Its snorkel and flipper weather here its done nowt but rain since christmas except the day it snowedOur house is still a it gloom, filled jacks still getting over the breakup and sam and tom are fighting from the moment they rise to the moment they drop aseep. Oh and subltle hint when you buy one kid a mobile for his birthday and another phone for the other ones xmas present dont buy one a nokia 5300 and the other a LG choclate cos the one with the nokia will break his thinking he'll get an upgrade :(

since the return of her children Mavis's head was in an entirely different planet. I really feel I should use my mind for good but I have wracked my brain and I am buggered if I can think of anything that I can do so I am continuing on as normal as complete waste of space .Kids are back at school tomorrow can we say praise the lord cos if they weren't i'd certainly be asking someone to pass the ammunition. back to the ironing I have a a new iron and its very good I love ironing

Today the ghost of Christmas past arrived at mavis's house and took down all the decorations, didn't get the bastard hoover out though must be a bloke the lazy cunt

this year I am becoming a nun

I have decided after a year of debauchery I shall live the good and wholesome life I think I give julie andrews a run for her money to be honest.Yesterday my kids came back from their dads where they spent christmas It was weird without them Bu I have to say I enjoyed the time alone with jack, ( who was dumped by his girlfriend yesterday hes a bit cut up ) hes calmed down a lot and is going to my brothers shortly to help out on the farm probably just as well he's getting away from the area for a while while he recovers.We did Christmas agan yesterday my kids have far too much and appreciate nothing , But I guess I was the same at their age we tend to paint the past in pastel shades and have a soundtrack of only the good music , you forget the the grey days when all that was on the radio was soft rock blands.

happy new year

I had made a new years resolution to live like a nun but I decided it was abd habit to get into so I opted to look a right burkah instead.
I went to bed at 20 past ten last night I was on my own by choice having turned down a night of rampant rumpy pumpy with a bloke from Rotherham which is probably just as well since jack burst into my bedroom at 2.30 with the dog shouting happy new year mother, I reciprocated his jolly wishes with a merry what the fucking hell do you think you are doing waking me up at this time you stupid child now fuck off and go to bed.This years resolutions are to carry on carrying on and to support Newcastle wholeheartedly so they don't get relegated and to carry on being lovely and fluffy and sweet . Happy new year chaps